Google AI – Monkey business

Google goes bananas.

Google goes bananas.

  • Google has pioneered a new field of computer science and intelligence research resulting in new systems that can take over when the traditional AI fails.

  • A sudden hike in the price of bananas in the immediate vicinity of Pryor Creek, Oklahoma prompted Radio Free Mobile and NGCodec to send their undercover investigator into Google’s biggest data centre to get the full picture.

  • These are his shocking discoveries.

    • First, SI: Google has kept the shortcomings of its AI techniques under wraps and instead, has pioneered a new branch of non-human intelligence that it has termed SI or Simian Intelligence.

    • This involves the removal of servers from data centre cabinets and the housing of thousands of chimpanzees to answer “Hey Google” requests, remote pilot Waymo vehicles as well as make bookings at restaurants for lazy smartphone users.

    • Our investigator (black t-shirt) said that while conditions were excellent leading to happy workers, a disagreement over the Christmas bonus is what caused Waymo vehicles to go haywire in Arizona towards the end of 2018.

    • Second, AI centres: Our investigator was sent by Google on a business trip to Accra in Ghana to support the opening of its new “AI center” which turned out to be little more than a recruitment office for new employees from Gabon, Cameroon and Congo.

    • New employees are offered fat contracts, are issued an S1-B visa and flown directly to data centre installations to meet the growing demand for Google services powered by SI.

    • Third, Deep Mind: While it was generally thought that DeepMind AI was being used to save 40% of Google’s data centre electricity bill, our investigator uncovered that, in fact, DeepMind is managing the supply of bananas.

    • Google quickly discovered that allowing all of the employees to eat at the same time led to serious issues with sewage management.

    • DeepMind’s new algorithm, AlphaPooh, collects alimentary canal data from employees and recommends the right time for them to be served bananas in order to ensure a safe and sanitary environment.

    • It also tracks the price and supply of bananas across the world to ensure that optimum quality and price are achieved.

    • It was a slip up by AlphaPooh that led Radio Free Mobile and NGCodec to become suspicious.

    • AlphaPooh has allowed Google to make big savings on capital expenditure (toilet facilities), cleaning costs as well as veterinary insurance.

  • While Google is far ahead in the deployment of this new branch of computer science, its competitors have already caught on and are racing to catch up.

  • Wild price fluctuations in the price of sardines and herring in Seattle as well as hay and grain in Redmond has led us to suspect that Amazon is running tests with dolphins and Microsoft with goats.

  • Unfortunately, we were unable to recruit a panda to investigate Baidu or a bear to take a look under the hood at Yandex.

  • This is a new branch of intelligence research and Google is a long way ahead having already deployed SI in live services.

  • Amazon and Microsoft are still at a very experimental stage but we expect that any sudden leap forward in performance will be due to a breakthrough in this avenue of research.

  • Dolphins, goats, pandas and bears who would like to go into the field as undercover investigators for Radio Free Mobile and NGCodec may apply at or